Shot by Alex | It’s the end of the year, I tend to get bit more emotional. Bear with me, kay?
So, I’m sitting down and I’m painting my nails. That was something I used to find tremendous joy in doing, so much that it gives me peace and it calms me from my busy schedule. But back then, busy was when I have loads to study on and a pending test or an exam that I’m unprepared for. For those times, doing my nails was my escape.
Now, things are different. What problems I used to have, now seemed so trivial. I think so much more these days, I also doubt myself even more. What if I’m doing it the wrong way, what are people talking about me, do they think I’m awful, am I dumb, why do I keep doing things that makes me so unhappy. Frankly, I’m tired. Tired to the core.
Every working day, it’s the same schedule. Maybe, it is because of the quiet time, that I feel going to work becomes a routine. But come 2013, the dreaded time comes and with all that I’ve been hearing I may need more than courage, willpower to stay together. It doesn’t help that the things I look forward to now, will not be there next year. I’d almost feel like I’ve lost something, something that is seemingly unimportant. And when it’s gone, it’s not so easy to move on, especially when you’ve started getting used to it.
So, yes. I’m tired. My thoughts are fragmented and scattered, just like how my physical state is. My room is in a mess, mom’s been nagging to clean up. My to-do-list is never done, stuff just keeps getting piled on. I look fine, I seem okay, I laugh and smile but truth is I’m crumbling down inside, slowly and surely I will break down. It’s just a matter of time.
The worst part is being consciously aware of what’s happening but yet feeling so helpless about it. To know that you’re drowning, to know that you could swim if you try hard enough, but yet despite that you are still struggling.
Maybe I’m putting too much pressure in starting anew with 2013. The clock’s ticking; it’s less than a week to New Year’s. It’s less than a week to get my shit together and sorted out. From the bottom of my heart, I wish no one has to go through what I feel, to be so helpless.
Happy Boxing Day, even if all that I’ve unboxed are sorrows of my past. It’s a brand new day tomorrow, and think about it, I could start ticking off my to-do-lists tomorrow.